Difficult days

Even late summer rays cannot penetrate the gloom today
as they urge me to be grateful for the life I have.
Tired of trying to live up to expectations
Today I give in to dismay.

I sit waiting for the sentence.
For three weeks now I have been waiting -
like a Hitchcock novel
I am laced with suspense.

A lump of crippled uninspired clay
I still hope to be remodelled by a genius
Who can breathe life into this damaged mound
and on my execution force a stay.


Sometimes I cannot help thinking
The hopeful stories we tell ourselves are lies.

When I overcame each of life's many challenges

I did not look for this as the prize.

However

Self pity is not attractive or even permitted

"She fought the cancer bravely" is the favoured phrase.

So I will fight back the gloom 

And let the sun shine through.

Pancreatic Stories

Two weeks - no three weeks ago something happened that effectively silenced me.  I have been feeling draggy and not my perky self for a number of months and my back/shoulder pain was getting worse.  I went to the doc when I started with nausea and other unmentionable digestive problems and he seemed concerned.
Tests showed something in my pancreas and liver.  Shock!  I have no intention of checking out yet but doc seemed worried - what is going on?  I have always eaten healthily.  I don't drink much and never smoked - so how could I get pancreatic cancer?   And this is the suspicion right now.  This can't be me - I don't do cancer.   Cancer is clearly no respecter of persons.
  But the diagnosis is not yet definitive and I have to see a Dr Scudamore in Vancouver soon to operate or test further.  The waiting has been three weeks so far and that is killing me.  I hope I hear soon.